Sunday, June 21, 2009

Breaking News: Reds Team Eye Doctor Fired

Cincinnati, Ohio - The optometrist working for the Cincinnati Reds Baseball Club was fired this morning after it was discovered none of the Reds could see.

Reds General Manager Walt Jocketty launched a special investigation into the team's eyesight after weeks of not being able to hit the ball.

"I knew there was some reason the team wasn't hitting, but I knew it wasn't because of the personnel on the team. I mean, Adam Rosales was hitting over .300 in AAA. I knew he wasn't a Mendoza player."

The team was made to undergo eye examinations after Saturday night's loss to the Chicago White Sox.

"I didn't realize that sign on the outfield wall was for M&Ms," the .214 batting Jay Bruce said after being fitted with a pair of contacts.

The players were not the only ones affected by the incompetence of the team's optometrist.

"Whoa, this is really something," Reds Manager Dusty Baker said. "Here I thought I was leading off with Willie Mays every night and it turns out it was only Willy Taveras. What's he even doing on this team?"

The optometrist would not return our phone calls, but COB has learned that he is originally from St. Louis and is part of a cult that worships as their god St. Louis first baseman Albert Pujols. The Reds have not decided whether they will pursue legal action.

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