Goldfish Day – Why do they discriminate against pets? Why have a dog day but not a cat day? Or an iguana day? Or a guinea pig day? Well, I think we should take our goldfish to the ballpark. What other animal can live in a plastic bag filled with water for a couple of hours? Imagine sitting in your seat, holding up your goldfish in his plastic viewing area, and telling him, “Look, Goldie, Dunn’s up. Let’s cheer him on!” Clap, clap, clap, pop!
Dancing with the Stars Night – Come to the ballpark to watch your favorite stupid television show on the big screen! In between innings, watch as Cincinnati celebrities such as Nick Lachey, Jerry Springer, and George Clooney’s cousin hold their own contest. What are those uniformed men doing on that big, green field?
Pin the Tail on the Big Donkey Night – After each Dunn strikeout, fans are invited onto the field blindfolded to try their luck at giving Adam his tail. Contestants are advised to wear helmets, for the Big Donkey will be armed with a baseball bat. Every time Dunn gets on base, he is allowed to pin a tail on Paul Daugherty with a railroad tie for a pin and a big sledgehammer to drive it home.
Where’s Bruce? Nights – Every game Corey Patterson starts, every day Jay Bruce is not on a Major League roster, come to the ballpark with your “Where’s Bruce?” signs. Each time Patterson fails to get on base, which will be more than seven of every ten at bats, sing the “Where’s Bruce?” song: Oh I went to the ballpark to see the Reds win, Polly Wolly Dusty, Where’s Bruce? A wasted at bat from Dusty’s best pet, Polly Wolly Dusty, Where’s Bruce?
Brand New Bag Night - Celebrate another season of commercials you were sick of the first time you heard them with a replica of a frozen square hamburger in a bag. Boogie on the table. Hooh! You get a brand new bag!
Real Men of Genius Night - (Real Men of Geniuuuus...Mr. Real Men of Genius Marketing Guy...) You, Mr. Real Men of Genius Marketing Guy, have brought us some of the funniest, laugh out loud commercials that we have to listen to over the course of a 162 game season. (It's a loooooong, hot summer.) You make fun of the losers of American society in a way Saturday Night Live has never been able to do. (It's no longer funny...) Four or five new ads a year, you make sure we hear every single one of them by the end of the first Spring Training broadcast. (Between every inning and pitching changes...) So crack open an ice cold Crudweiser and know that you make us laugh until about the All Star break when we can no longer bear the same commercials over and over and over again. (Mr. Real Men of Genius Marketing Guy...)
Farmersonly.com Night – Join the "simple folk," if they can bear to venture to the big, scary city full of the people they hate the most – city folk who “drink $5 coffees” and “forget the good things in life.” Because when life is too fast-paced for your brain to keep up, lash out at those who are doing just fine and create something where you can pretend it’s still 1950.
Juan Castro Pinch Hits for Josh Hamilton Commemorative Statue Night – Remember when Jerry Moron pinch hit Juan Castro for Josh Hamilton? Now you can forever relive that unforgettable moment with this statue commemorating one of the dumbest managerial moves in the history of
Major League Baseball.
Neil Diamond Sing Along Night – Is your favorite part of the game when “Sweet Caroline” comes on and everyone sings along as if it were the greatest song ever written? Join the Reds family as they celebrate the grating brilliance of one of America’s singer-songwriters. In between each inning, Diamond greats such as Brother Love’s Travelling Salvation Show, Shilo, Crunchy Granola Suite, and Thank the Lord for the Off Button will be played while grounds crew members lead the karioke style sing along. Jam to the seventies synthesizer sounds and terrible lyrics for which Mr. Diamond is so well known! Bom, bom, bom…
Exercise Night – Join the thousands at the ballpark who already get their weekly exercise by going up and down the aisles while a game is going on! Why watch the action on the field when there is overpriced, heart attack-inducing chemicals that resemble food to purchase? Run up and down the stairs for seven innings until you decide to leave to "beat the traffic!"
Sarasota or Goodyear Night – Will it, won’t it? Place your bets on where the Reds will be training in March 2010. Will it be the beautiful white beaches of straight down I-75 Gulf Coast Florida or the dry, cracked desert of Arizona, where there is nothing to do after you leave the ballpark if you don’t play golf, where it will take 1600 extra miles to drive from and to Cincy (more than $200 worth of gas in a fuel efficient car, much more if you irresponsibly drive a gas guzzling SUV), where there is a two hour time difference? (Can you tell what side I’m on?)
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